Chapter one
“A Man who has developed wide, broad shoulders feels superior and has a greater sense of security and confidence about him” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Never trust a man with small shoulders, he can’t carry responsibility” – My Father
There is a reason for the inclusion of the above quotes, which I will get to in time. Either I can only assume if you are in possession of this book that you are a young man that is seeking to make a change, or perhaps a person that thought it would help you directed you to it. Either way you have something in common. We all have one thing in common. Responsibility. In life, we are bombarded with various responsibilities. It is also a certainty that as we age the list of our responsibilities increases. However, if you are like me then perhaps the one responsibility you have neglected is the one to yourself. The responsibility we have to ourselves to make sure we are happy. It is something I have seen time and time again, the ‘good guy’ syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy. However, it should never come at the expense of the self.
The two quotes reflect the core of what you as a reader need to take from this book. Arnold’s quote is to remind you that confidence is the result of success. My Father’s quote is to remind you that taking responsibility is hard work. With this in mind, I wanted to create a guide. A collection of lessons that I have gathered over my time working to better myself. I want you to know that no matter where you are starting from you get to where you want to be. I want you to see where I started.
That is me
at age eighteen, I was the quintessential ‘nice guy’. I weighed one hundred and
six kilograms, and had a misguided belief that long hair really suited me. That
long sleave shirt was always worn under a short sleaved school shirt. I had
gone through all of High School as a nice guy. I had never had a girlfriend nor
even made out with one. In fact, I chased after the same girl for four years to
no success. I sucked at sports and just about every stereotypical masculine
pursuit. Aside from winning two minor fights, I had barely done anything that
was considered traditionally cool. I however, maintained an attitude that I
could improve. It is said that nice guys finish last, it would be more apt to
say we never finish. I continued in this fashion after high school in a strange
kind of gap year. My focus was to get into University. In the meantime, I
simply tried to earn money and spend time with friends. I also passed another
important rite of passage, by finally getting my licence to drive. I gathered a
few of my friends and took off on a road trip up the Australian coast. I still
had no luck with the ladies, but I kept telling myself that I was fine and that
things would just come right if I just waited.
Then came my big turning
point. I managed to somehow get a date with a beautiful young woman. I was
stoked and planned the night out to ensure it was as romantic as possible. To
this day I still do not know how it happened, but as the clock bells chimed I
found myself getting my first kiss. As soon as our lips parted, the stupidest
thing I have ever said came from mine. ‘I
think, I can see myself falling in love with you’. Five minutes later and
she was telling me that she could not do ‘this’.
I will later explain what I did wrong, when we cover what little I know about
women.
I stopped at a petrol station and sat on my car drinking a coke, while I tried to figure out what had happened. The guy on that shift tried to comfort me by telling me it was all her fault. But then it suddenly hit me. ‘It aint you, it’s me’. The problem that I had was not external; it was neither society nor the girl. The problem was with me. I had taken the first step. I had taken responsibility for my position in life. This is the first step that you must take. You must take responsibility for your life and the changes you want to make to it.
Over my studies at University to become a Teacher, we learnt about motivation. There are two main kinds of motivation, one ‘intrinsic’ and the other ‘extrinsic’. Intrinsic motivation is the good kind, it is the motivation that originates within ourselves. For example a man who loves football (NFL because Australian football sucks[1]) will train hard to maximise his chances of success and thus enjoyment. He wants to get better at a game he loves playing. His satisfaction and motivation come from himself. However, if a person were to get into football for the money, than they are acting under an extrinsic motivation. He is doing it for a material reward. Football is a means of getting money. Now I want you to ask yourself something. Have I been intrinsically or extrinsically motivated to change? Chances are you have been extrinsically motivated.
Recently a good friend introduced me to a TV show called ‘Community’[2] there was a nice exchange in the pilot that really captures the dilemma of motivations.
Troy: Let me ask you something. People have been clowning me about this jacket since I got here, but if I take it off to make them happy, that just makes me weak, right? Jeff: Listen, you take it off to make them happy, you leave it on to piss them off, either way it’s for them. Troy: woah you just wrinkled my brain.
The point is that his decisions to change had hidden underlying extrinsic motivations. This is what I want you to be careful of before you even start. For example if you want to change yourself purely for others, than you should just put this book down right now. It just is not going to happen. I know this because I have entered into this kind of change with same motivation and it just is not enough. You need to want to make the change for yourself. It is vital because not only is extrinsic motivation too weak, it will actually see you rebel against change. Nice guys will already be familiar with this fact. Nice guys have in their past done things for others, only to find themselves upset when their efforts are not recognised or reciprocated. I will also wager you stopped doing for others, may have even become just a little bitter too. It is all about our motivations. It is not your fault, well not entirely. We have to be take responsibility for ourselves after all. It can be very confusing, no doubt made worse as we (well the majority of those reading) are products of western capitalism. Without going into a lofty speech let me explain. Growing up you were no doubt taught to, ‘eat your vegetables or you wont get ice cream’. You were indoctrinated into an extrinsically motivated system. You should not eat the vegetables just to gain a reward, but instead eat them because they are good for you. Do you see what I am driving at here? Every time I talk with students they tell me how they want to do X job because it pays X amount of money. I prefer to hear about the kid who wants to do something because they love doing it. Change not because others want you to, but because you want to. Make the changes that you want make, and always question your motivations.
This brings me to my final point in this opening section. What do I mean by change? By this point I am sure some of you are ready to lynch me as a hypocrite. However, please stay your torches and pitchforks for a moment. When I say change, I do not mean for you to stop being who you are. The catch phrase of ‘just be yourself’ is used by those that mean to spare our feelings. They mean well but stunt our growth. A better alternative is to ‘be your best self’. I am advocating this change in this book. To become the ‘you’, that you want to become. The ‘best self’.
For example when I was in high school I wore, as stated, clothes that were terrible. I never really dressed the way I wanted to because I was too shy and did not want to dry too much attention to myself. Now when I go out clubbing I wear this;
A vest would become my trademark, my own form of visual branding (I will cover visual branding in fashion). Whilst some kinder readers may be thinking, ‘wow cool’ I am sure that plenty will be thinking ‘god he looks lame’. Trust me I get both reactions the trick that you learn is to expect and deal with both reactions. There are roughly 6.7 billion people on this planet and we do not all like the same things. For many of you the ‘change’ you need to make is to do all the things you want to do, but have lacked the motivation. This is what people call ‘getting out of a rut’.
So I want to sum up what has been said so far. The first important message I had for you was the lesson in responsibility. Just as I had to acknowledge my responsibility for my position in life you need to take responsibility for yours. The next lesson you have to learn, is to find and question your motivations. To ‘eat your veggies’, for their value and not just for the rewards. Leaving us with my final message to you, to promote the best self.
The first exercise
This first exercise is a simple one, we must deal with how you perceive yourself. Perception has long been at the centre of problems people have with themselves. We have all no doubt met someone who can best be described at ‘try hard’ or ‘up themselves’. The kind of person who was clearly told they were very special, or will tell you black and blue that they are special. As much as I envy the unshakable ego of these folks, it must be said that ‘self praise is like masturbation, it feels great but if you start doing it everyone else leaves the room’. Likewise, those of us with negative perceptions of ourselves have usually had them enforced by others. So I will lead you to our first exercise. Meeting You.
This is where the book becomes demanding. This is an interactive text. You need to get yourself some paper or ideally a journal to record the exercises in. Do not read ahead do the exercises as you reach them. So take your pen and paper and complete this first exercise.
[1] My hatred of Australian football comes mainly because I can never understand the logic of it. They want to get to the other end of the field so naturally passing the ball backwards is the logical move. Further more those that engage in football love to throw around the derogatory that others are gay. Interesting because a personally I think someone who openly enjoys a game of hugging other men, rolling around all hot and sweaty chasing a testicle shaped ball. Only to win the game with a rousing series of ass slaps and a ground shower really needs to work out there own homoerotic sport. If you have not realised by now I’m a terrific smart arse. I merely love pointing this interpretation out. [2] Go and watch the damn show, I loved it. |
